Regina Spektor performing "Laughing With" on Good Morning America (6-23-09)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4EpybnzlYs
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Happy Birthday to my honey
Jeff is off in sunny California this week, taking in Lectureship at Pepperdine...so he can't stop me from shouting out "Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!" and letting the world know just how crazy I am about him. :) Jeff really is my best friend ever, and I just cherish the fact that the longer we are married, the better I know him, the more of life we share together - the more I can't help but LOVE him! What more could I ask for?! He is generous (in so many ways), and strong, kind, and honest. He's so much wiser than I usually give him credit for. I love his insight, and his love of Old Testament stories, and his perspective on the things that really matter. He helps me to laugh when I'm grumpy, and puts up with my "quirks." He lets me know week after week, year after year that he'll stick by me, and that I can trust him with my heart. He has great character, and he's fun and handsome. I wish the world knew him as well as I do, because he is really such a wonderful guy! I look forward to the years ahead with Jeff by my side, and in that simple fact alone, I find such blessing. There's so much more I could say, but that will have to do for now. Thank you, Jeff, for picking me and for being such an awesome friend and husband to me!!!!!!!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Overly optimistic?
Ok, so as I read what I wrote yesterday, the optimism and hope laced through it almost seems like a lie...I really meant what I wrote yesterday, and I really mean it much of the time now. But, today was a harder day. And as I read that post, I feel like that optimism betrays the reality that it still really hurts sometimes too. And my thoughts, emotions are laced with fear and guilt from time to time. And that my baby meant more to me than just a few days of mourning.
I guess I jump from one extreme to the next...and that is the process of healing...and this is where I'm at today.
I guess I jump from one extreme to the next...and that is the process of healing...and this is where I'm at today.
God is merciful
Jeff and I are fairly private people, but never with the aim of being secretive. Over the past few months we have experienced some big life changes, and I am ready now to talk.
On March 9 I found out that I was pregnant!! It came as a bit of a surprise, but when the truth of it settled in, we were quickly SUPER excited about what was to come. We both just love the idea of being Mommy and Daddy. We could hardly keep the truth of it to ourselves (and family, of course), but did our best to wait until we were a bit further along and closer to the "safe zone" of the second trimester to announce it to the world. Well, it turns out that was probably for the best. Last Monday, on April 6, I found out I miscarried. Jeff and I were devastated. Even though we only knew about Baby for a month, it was a month of joy, fun new experiences, and anticipation. Definitely long enough to fall in love.....................and then to feel incredible loss when our world came crashing down.
BUT, God has been sooooooooo merciful in the midst of this unwelcome experience. As someone blessed with a career that follows the school calendar, Monday was the first day of my Spring Break. So, I had all week to deal with the situation and find healing and acceptance, without having to ask for time off or explain the situation to my boss. Jeff's job has been very busy lately, but last week was blessedly open and his work load light, allowing time for him to heal, time for us to find comfort in one another, and time to join and ferry me back and forth to appointments. Family has been a tremendous blessing as well, taking care of us, encouraging us and sharing our grief. (THANK YOU, ABBA. THANK YOU, FAMILY!!!!!!)
Since Monday, I've learned that miscarriage is really much more common than I ever knew (estimates vary, but roughly 20-30% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage). And, one miscarriage doesn't hardly impact my chances of having and carrying a second baby to term down the road. So there is HOPE, and I'm clinging to it! :) I am so glad to say that I feel like I am healing well, have reached a place of acceptance with the situation, and trusting that God can use this yucky situation for good both now and in the future. Day by day, my sadness is being replaced with peace, and even joy at God's goodness. What more can I ask for?!
Well, that's it for now. Blessings.
On March 9 I found out that I was pregnant!! It came as a bit of a surprise, but when the truth of it settled in, we were quickly SUPER excited about what was to come. We both just love the idea of being Mommy and Daddy. We could hardly keep the truth of it to ourselves (and family, of course), but did our best to wait until we were a bit further along and closer to the "safe zone" of the second trimester to announce it to the world. Well, it turns out that was probably for the best. Last Monday, on April 6, I found out I miscarried. Jeff and I were devastated. Even though we only knew about Baby for a month, it was a month of joy, fun new experiences, and anticipation. Definitely long enough to fall in love.....................and then to feel incredible loss when our world came crashing down.
BUT, God has been sooooooooo merciful in the midst of this unwelcome experience. As someone blessed with a career that follows the school calendar, Monday was the first day of my Spring Break. So, I had all week to deal with the situation and find healing and acceptance, without having to ask for time off or explain the situation to my boss. Jeff's job has been very busy lately, but last week was blessedly open and his work load light, allowing time for him to heal, time for us to find comfort in one another, and time to join and ferry me back and forth to appointments. Family has been a tremendous blessing as well, taking care of us, encouraging us and sharing our grief. (THANK YOU, ABBA. THANK YOU, FAMILY!!!!!!)
Since Monday, I've learned that miscarriage is really much more common than I ever knew (estimates vary, but roughly 20-30% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage). And, one miscarriage doesn't hardly impact my chances of having and carrying a second baby to term down the road. So there is HOPE, and I'm clinging to it! :) I am so glad to say that I feel like I am healing well, have reached a place of acceptance with the situation, and trusting that God can use this yucky situation for good both now and in the future. Day by day, my sadness is being replaced with peace, and even joy at God's goodness. What more can I ask for?!
Well, that's it for now. Blessings.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Did I mention that Procrastination is my middle name???
Well, it should be. :P So it goes like this: late in December I began to write one of those letters that people send out around the holidays, telling all about their lives over the past year, the kind that often come with a family photo or picture-card. I even had one of those picture-cards printed out. Around mid-January I started feeling annoyed that I had those cards printed for nothing, and this guilt led me to finally finish the letter. And then, again, one day turned in to a week, and one week into a month, and then two. Yes, as you can guess, I never got around to actually SENDING the stupid things...this required that I gather addresses, and write on the envelopes, stamp them, and get them out the door... It turns out that was too many steps for me!
Last week I decided to email a copy of the letter to a few of my immediate family members. My mother-in-law responded with the sweetest email saying that she was so encouraged by the letter that I really SHOULD still send it out. On her behalf...while I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to sending the real thing (my middle name should be Procrastination after all), here is a copy of the letter for those of you who might be interested. Maybe you'll get a copy in the mail too, if I can find the time and get my act together! :D
___________________________________________________
2008 in review:
Often we pray for God’s help – that He would intervene in our lives; provide, guide, rescue. And then we wait...and, in our humanness, get impatient…and start to lose hope. And, then, just about when we get ready to take life into our own hands, God whispers “I’m here. I’m listening,” and “Just because I love you…” God has definitely shown us his kindness and faithfulness again this past year.
The year started out with Jeff and I in Portland, renting an adorable condo from a friend of Jeff’s family overlooking the Willamette River, just south of Portland’s downtown area and within 10 minutes drive of both our jobs. What a blessing, to be sure! Jeff was working at the Portland Rescue Mission working with homeless men. I was working in the Pediatric Physical Therapy Residency program at the Child Development and Rehabilitation Center at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital, part of the Oregon Health and Science University hospital system (sheesh, what a mouthful!). Jeff’s job turned out to be a formative and educational experience. My year in residency kept me VERY busy (and, yes, pretty stressed at times), but I was reminded over and over again how valuable the experience has been for my career and my own professional self-confidence.
It was in mid to late Spring, as my residency was getting closer to completion and Jeff was feeling eager to launch in his career in ministry, that our prayers began to go up fervently: “God, what do you have in mind for this next phase of our lives???” We began to wrestle with many questions, including what God was calling us to do, who He was calling us to be, and where we should look for jobs. I looked for pediatric physical therapy jobs in both the Portland/Vancouver area and in the Puget Sound area, and by July the Portland/Vancouver jobs fell through while the Seattle area jobs opened up. Whew! One answer fell into place – we were headed to the Seattle area. We were hoping that by late August when we moved up to the Seattle area Jeff would also have a job lined up. But, no such luck. Jeff and I waited and prayed, waited and prayed, and, yes, began to get weary and impatient, and wonder if God would come through for us this time. Well, He certainly did.
As of the first of November, Jeff has been blessed with an interim youth ministry position at The Northwest Church in Shoreline. As most of you know, Jeff and I come from different church backgrounds, and so in the past usually one of us has felt more at home at the churches we’ve attended than the other. But that is not so this time – we both feel like Northwest is “home” and that God opened up this door for us at just the right time. Jeff’s job will last through the end of May, unless he is hired on permanently by then (our hope, for sure!). Regardless of whether this job lasts, though, it has already been a great experience for the both of us – Jeff getting the opportunity to develop relationships with some awesome kids (and point them toward Christ) and to hone his ministry skills, and I have been learning how to be a minister’s wife (J) and getting to be a part of a great community of believers.
In late August, I started working at Kindering, a clinic in Bellevue that provides Early Intervention services for children between birth – 3 years of age who are delayed in their development of motor, speech, cognitive, and/or social skills. I really feel like this job was not only God’s answer to prayer but also a special act of (undeserved!) kindness toward me – this job is just such a good fit for me! By that I mean that I am getting plenty of much-needed mentorship and encouragement, have kind and helpful co-workers, and a great boss…invaluable! I still have many days that I go home feeling like I am just not cut out to do be a pediatric physical therapist and developmental specialist, but I am learning and growing and could not ask for a better place to do that. Thank you, Abba!
God is so patient and so kind. Even when we doubt and grow impatient, He still chooses to bless us – our life to date has proven that time and again. Over this next year Jeff and I anticipate more changes, new things, and there are still many questions we have that are yet unanswered. There will be times, I’m sure, when we will feel frustrated with God’s timing and wonder if life will turn out as we have hoped and imagined. But, hopefully, by God’s grace, we are learning that no matter what God is kind to his children and we will be JUST FINE… (Feel free to remind us, if down the road we appear to have forgotten this! :) )
Last week I decided to email a copy of the letter to a few of my immediate family members. My mother-in-law responded with the sweetest email saying that she was so encouraged by the letter that I really SHOULD still send it out. On her behalf...while I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to sending the real thing (my middle name should be Procrastination after all), here is a copy of the letter for those of you who might be interested. Maybe you'll get a copy in the mail too, if I can find the time and get my act together! :D
___________________________________________________
2008 in review:
Often we pray for God’s help – that He would intervene in our lives; provide, guide, rescue. And then we wait...and, in our humanness, get impatient…and start to lose hope. And, then, just about when we get ready to take life into our own hands, God whispers “I’m here. I’m listening,” and “Just because I love you…” God has definitely shown us his kindness and faithfulness again this past year.
The year started out with Jeff and I in Portland, renting an adorable condo from a friend of Jeff’s family overlooking the Willamette River, just south of Portland’s downtown area and within 10 minutes drive of both our jobs. What a blessing, to be sure! Jeff was working at the Portland Rescue Mission working with homeless men. I was working in the Pediatric Physical Therapy Residency program at the Child Development and Rehabilitation Center at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital, part of the Oregon Health and Science University hospital system (sheesh, what a mouthful!). Jeff’s job turned out to be a formative and educational experience. My year in residency kept me VERY busy (and, yes, pretty stressed at times), but I was reminded over and over again how valuable the experience has been for my career and my own professional self-confidence.
It was in mid to late Spring, as my residency was getting closer to completion and Jeff was feeling eager to launch in his career in ministry, that our prayers began to go up fervently: “God, what do you have in mind for this next phase of our lives???” We began to wrestle with many questions, including what God was calling us to do, who He was calling us to be, and where we should look for jobs. I looked for pediatric physical therapy jobs in both the Portland/Vancouver area and in the Puget Sound area, and by July the Portland/Vancouver jobs fell through while the Seattle area jobs opened up. Whew! One answer fell into place – we were headed to the Seattle area. We were hoping that by late August when we moved up to the Seattle area Jeff would also have a job lined up. But, no such luck. Jeff and I waited and prayed, waited and prayed, and, yes, began to get weary and impatient, and wonder if God would come through for us this time. Well, He certainly did.
As of the first of November, Jeff has been blessed with an interim youth ministry position at The Northwest Church in Shoreline. As most of you know, Jeff and I come from different church backgrounds, and so in the past usually one of us has felt more at home at the churches we’ve attended than the other. But that is not so this time – we both feel like Northwest is “home” and that God opened up this door for us at just the right time. Jeff’s job will last through the end of May, unless he is hired on permanently by then (our hope, for sure!). Regardless of whether this job lasts, though, it has already been a great experience for the both of us – Jeff getting the opportunity to develop relationships with some awesome kids (and point them toward Christ) and to hone his ministry skills, and I have been learning how to be a minister’s wife (J) and getting to be a part of a great community of believers.
In late August, I started working at Kindering, a clinic in Bellevue that provides Early Intervention services for children between birth – 3 years of age who are delayed in their development of motor, speech, cognitive, and/or social skills. I really feel like this job was not only God’s answer to prayer but also a special act of (undeserved!) kindness toward me – this job is just such a good fit for me! By that I mean that I am getting plenty of much-needed mentorship and encouragement, have kind and helpful co-workers, and a great boss…invaluable! I still have many days that I go home feeling like I am just not cut out to do be a pediatric physical therapist and developmental specialist, but I am learning and growing and could not ask for a better place to do that. Thank you, Abba!
God is so patient and so kind. Even when we doubt and grow impatient, He still chooses to bless us – our life to date has proven that time and again. Over this next year Jeff and I anticipate more changes, new things, and there are still many questions we have that are yet unanswered. There will be times, I’m sure, when we will feel frustrated with God’s timing and wonder if life will turn out as we have hoped and imagined. But, hopefully, by God’s grace, we are learning that no matter what God is kind to his children and we will be JUST FINE… (Feel free to remind us, if down the road we appear to have forgotten this! :) )
Sunday, December 28, 2008
New niece!
Rachel, my older sister, just had a baby girl on Christmas morning! And such a beautiful and precious gift! Danny, my brother-in-law, and Sammy's daddy, took the pictures below. Didn't he do an AWESOME job?! Sammy is only three days old...
Can you believe she is already smiling - and check out that dimple!
Isn't this sweet?
Rachel, very pregnant, just a few days before giving birth...and she was SO ready!
I think this is my favorite picture of Samantha, I just love it! But, then again, they are all precious!
Beautiful!
Yep, still beautiful! ;) And so tiny, even though she was 9 lbs, 2 oz and 21 inches long at birth!
Can you believe she is already smiling - and check out that dimple!
Isn't this sweet?Thanks for allowing me to dote on my new niece! I'm heading down to Texas on Tuesday to meet sweet baby Samantha - I can't wait, I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christmas #3
For our last Christmas get-together, we headed down to Black Butte, Oregon to see Jeff's family. We had quite the trip on the way there, fighting tons of snow and ice and freezing windshield wipers. It took us two days to get there, but we made it safely! :)
It was soooo good to see everyone. And, its always so much fun to see and share the niece and nephew's sweet JOY at Christmas! Of course, they are excited to open up their own gifts, but almost just as excited to give you a gift (and help you to open it...they can hardly help themselves!). :o) And excited that they get to eat yummy treats, and play with their new toys. Their joy is contagious - I love it!
Clockwise from L top: Amy, Jeremy, Judi holding baby Asher, Jim, Jeff, Necia, Jill, Mike, Hudson, Bevyn, Baylor as a monkey :), Bryant
Karen and Asher at the top, Amy helping Bryant open up his stocking on the bottom
Hudson opening up a gift
Before the birthday party for Jim and Jill, getting in a little fun in the snow:
It was soooo good to see everyone. And, its always so much fun to see and share the niece and nephew's sweet JOY at Christmas! Of course, they are excited to open up their own gifts, but almost just as excited to give you a gift (and help you to open it...they can hardly help themselves!). :o) And excited that they get to eat yummy treats, and play with their new toys. Their joy is contagious - I love it!
Clockwise from L top: Amy, Jeremy, Judi holding baby Asher, Jim, Jeff, Necia, Jill, Mike, Hudson, Bevyn, Baylor as a monkey :), Bryant
Karen and Asher at the top, Amy helping Bryant open up his stocking on the bottom
Hudson opening up a gift
Before the birthday party for Jim and Jill, getting in a little fun in the snow: Jim, Judi, Bryant (on his much-loved tractor/snow plow), Jeremy, and Jeff
Bryant, cute as ever
Bryant getting a ride on the sled from Gaga
Jeff playing with Bryant
Judi at the Ranch, in Big Meadow
Bryant, cute as ever
Bryant getting a ride on the sled from Gaga
Jeff playing with Bryant
Judi at the Ranch, in Big MeadowI did a terrible job getting pictures during the birthday celebration the day after Christmas, and somehow got a disproportionate number of pictures of Bryant and (sadly!) very little of my other lovely niece and nephews, or my in-laws. I'm hoping that I get better at taking pictures as the years go by! :)
Can't wait until the next time I get to see these guys...
Family Christmas #1 and 2
Jeff and I had three family Christmas get-togethers this year!
For the first, my mom, stepdad and siblings got together at Mom's house on Dec. 13th to enjoy one another's company, eat a yummy breakfast (my mom's fabulous buttermilk waffles with cobbler-esque topping...hmmmm..., among other things), and exchange gifts. We played Boggle and made fun of each other, laughed until we cried, and just hung out - we had so much fun! I love my family! I didn't get my act together and get any pictures that day. :(
For the second, my dad, stepmom and siblings met at Esther's house on Dec. 20th. We had planned a trip to Leavenworth to see the tree lighting for that day, but the treacherous roads and incoming storm made that plan not such a great idea. Instead, we shared a simple brunch that Esther and I cooked up, visited just a short while, and opened gifts. Then, sadly, we had to head home because of yet another incoming batch of wind and snow. These pictures are from that day:
Family photo, L to R: Jeff, Necia, Ben, Esther, Dad, Anne
The fam, caught unaware (ha ha!) Love Ben's face in this one!
Jeff, Ben, and Anne watching Esther and Dad open gifts
Esther opening a gift
Classic Dad...love it!
For the first, my mom, stepdad and siblings got together at Mom's house on Dec. 13th to enjoy one another's company, eat a yummy breakfast (my mom's fabulous buttermilk waffles with cobbler-esque topping...hmmmm..., among other things), and exchange gifts. We played Boggle and made fun of each other, laughed until we cried, and just hung out - we had so much fun! I love my family! I didn't get my act together and get any pictures that day. :(
For the second, my dad, stepmom and siblings met at Esther's house on Dec. 20th. We had planned a trip to Leavenworth to see the tree lighting for that day, but the treacherous roads and incoming storm made that plan not such a great idea. Instead, we shared a simple brunch that Esther and I cooked up, visited just a short while, and opened gifts. Then, sadly, we had to head home because of yet another incoming batch of wind and snow. These pictures are from that day:
Family photo, L to R: Jeff, Necia, Ben, Esther, Dad, Anne
The fam, caught unaware (ha ha!) Love Ben's face in this one!
Jeff, Ben, and Anne watching Esther and Dad open gifts
Esther opening a gift
Classic Dad...love it! Snow!
The amount of snow we got the week prior to and of Christmas was totally unheard of in the Puget Sound area! Here are some pictures we got the first day it started coming down.
I love this picture of Jeff by Lake Sammamish at dusk!
Jeff sweeping the snow off the car so we can get out of the house.
This is a scary picture of me (looks like I have a cat eye!), but a good one of Jeff
Necia sitting in the snow
I thought it was so cool that the light looks green!
Our apartment...I think about 7-8 inches at this point
I love this picture of Jeff by Lake Sammamish at dusk!
Jeff sweeping the snow off the car so we can get out of the house. 
This is a scary picture of me (looks like I have a cat eye!), but a good one of Jeff
Necia sitting in the snow
I thought it was so cool that the light looks green!
Our apartment...I think about 7-8 inches at this pointTuesday, December 02, 2008
Latest Job Developments
Most of you know that I have been looking for a job since we moved up to Washington last August. It has been a long process (although I have heard of longer) and technically not over, but I get to take a break for awhile. As of December first, I started as the interim Youth Minister at the Northwest Church in Shoreline, WA. (www.nwchurch.net) They are going to be hiring for a full-time Youth Minister next summer and are allowing me to be the full-time interim guy until a Youth Minister is hired, which is at least a six month commitment. I also get to apply for the full-time youth job when they open the search next March, assuming I still want it. :) I am really excited about this opportunity and both Necia and I really enjoy belonging to this church. There is a great group of teens at the church and a lot of supportive people there as well.
Even though, I will be back in the application and interview phase of life in only a few short months, it is nice to be doing something and getting paid for it as well. We feel very blessed and hopeful about this coming New Year.
Even though, I will be back in the application and interview phase of life in only a few short months, it is nice to be doing something and getting paid for it as well. We feel very blessed and hopeful about this coming New Year.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
It is so exhausting...
I sat down tonight to write. It helps me to get some stuff off my chest. Not to worry, nothing big going on, its just that I would SO like to move beyond where I am and where I have been to something new.
Those of you who know me fairly well know that I tend to be a perfectionist...I want everything I do to be "good" and "right," and I guess you could say that I set my standards pretty high...not necessarily for others but certainly for myself. I am aggravatingly indecisive, and all because I get so hung up on making everyone else happy, making the one perfect decision, the right decision, the responsible decision, the God-honoring decision, the one that I won't regret (and yet I usually do anyways!), and on and on... I seek out the path that offers the highest certainty of success and the least possibility of dissapointing/wronging anyone, and that is what I go for.
I have always felt that I was a fairly balanced person, and that anxiety was not something that was a big part of my life or my "drive." But, I am realizing that that is not as true as I once thought! I have always been compared to, and compared myself to, my two sisters, as often happens amongst siblings. Well, to one degree or another, they both became known in their adolescent years as being "high strung," "emotional," "tightly wound," and, yes, a bit on the anxious side. So, naturally, I always thought that I was totally opposite because I have been seen as so different than they are - "in control," "balanced," etc. And even though they have both mellowed out, those stigmas have still shaped how I have seen myself. I have come to realize, though, that anxiety comes in many different forms, and I am just as anxious as they have ever been! And, just as shocking to me, I am realizing how insecure I am! I have mistaken my confidence in taking on new challenges and meeting new people as a decent self-esteem, but really so much of my hard work is just to get a pat on the back, or to know that I am doing the right or responsible thing in the eyes of others, OR, simply to try to control my life, and how it turns out. Anxiety is the polar opposite of having FAITH in God and in others, or at least in my case.
The result of all of this is that my life ends up being focused on ME and little else - being a perfectionist leaves little time for a relationship with God or focusing on the needs of those around me. This kind of life is so unfulfilling and so exhausting! Not only have I become cynical and hardened toward God and religiosity, but this kind of life just can't fulfill because I can never achieve my goals of perfection and security. And, and it makes me far too serious and not nearly as fun and laid back as I would like to be! No to mention how it impacts my mental and physical health...
Now that I recognize this about myself, I am trying my best to LET GO of so much of this stuff and instead allow God to show me a better way, where I lean more on Him and less on myself. It surely doesn't happen overnight, though, and I get dissapointed when another week goes by and I feel like the same old me. If you are the prayerful type, can you pray on my behalf? I need all of it I can get...
If you've read this all the way through, I apologize for all my complaining....I assure you, I am not doing as badly as it sounds. Hope you are not stuck in the same ugly spot I have found myself in! Blessings!
- N.
(*To my sisters: you know that I love you and don't mean anything by the remarks above...just trying to describe my own issues and not yours! I don't think these comments will offend you, or otherwise I wouldn't post this, but just in case they do, please forgive me! )
Those of you who know me fairly well know that I tend to be a perfectionist...I want everything I do to be "good" and "right," and I guess you could say that I set my standards pretty high...not necessarily for others but certainly for myself. I am aggravatingly indecisive, and all because I get so hung up on making everyone else happy, making the one perfect decision, the right decision, the responsible decision, the God-honoring decision, the one that I won't regret (and yet I usually do anyways!), and on and on... I seek out the path that offers the highest certainty of success and the least possibility of dissapointing/wronging anyone, and that is what I go for.
I have always felt that I was a fairly balanced person, and that anxiety was not something that was a big part of my life or my "drive." But, I am realizing that that is not as true as I once thought! I have always been compared to, and compared myself to, my two sisters, as often happens amongst siblings. Well, to one degree or another, they both became known in their adolescent years as being "high strung," "emotional," "tightly wound," and, yes, a bit on the anxious side. So, naturally, I always thought that I was totally opposite because I have been seen as so different than they are - "in control," "balanced," etc. And even though they have both mellowed out, those stigmas have still shaped how I have seen myself. I have come to realize, though, that anxiety comes in many different forms, and I am just as anxious as they have ever been! And, just as shocking to me, I am realizing how insecure I am! I have mistaken my confidence in taking on new challenges and meeting new people as a decent self-esteem, but really so much of my hard work is just to get a pat on the back, or to know that I am doing the right or responsible thing in the eyes of others, OR, simply to try to control my life, and how it turns out. Anxiety is the polar opposite of having FAITH in God and in others, or at least in my case.
The result of all of this is that my life ends up being focused on ME and little else - being a perfectionist leaves little time for a relationship with God or focusing on the needs of those around me. This kind of life is so unfulfilling and so exhausting! Not only have I become cynical and hardened toward God and religiosity, but this kind of life just can't fulfill because I can never achieve my goals of perfection and security. And, and it makes me far too serious and not nearly as fun and laid back as I would like to be! No to mention how it impacts my mental and physical health...
Now that I recognize this about myself, I am trying my best to LET GO of so much of this stuff and instead allow God to show me a better way, where I lean more on Him and less on myself. It surely doesn't happen overnight, though, and I get dissapointed when another week goes by and I feel like the same old me. If you are the prayerful type, can you pray on my behalf? I need all of it I can get...
If you've read this all the way through, I apologize for all my complaining....I assure you, I am not doing as badly as it sounds. Hope you are not stuck in the same ugly spot I have found myself in! Blessings!
- N.
(*To my sisters: you know that I love you and don't mean anything by the remarks above...just trying to describe my own issues and not yours! I don't think these comments will offend you, or otherwise I wouldn't post this, but just in case they do, please forgive me! )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.JPG)